If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
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The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long