Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
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POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.