In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
no refunds
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?