11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
he chose this
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A