Sorry I made promises on Friday
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out