I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
You Might Also Like
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”