Isn’t
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The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Straight people are cancelled
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…