Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
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Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Ha.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.