if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
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baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
You’ll be OK
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
and now we wait
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous