Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
live, laugh, laundry.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’m crying im so happy for them
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
my sentiments exactly
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.