*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.