My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?