How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
This could be us but you eatin’