What fresh Hell is this?!?
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.