Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
a public service announcement
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.