[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
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Pretty much. 🤣
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.