My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
good work, everybody
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …