We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.