me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.