Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!