MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.