In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
You Might Also Like
I feel it
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.