My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.