What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires