I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Happy Febuary everyone!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Thanks McDonald鈥檚 for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Me: I鈥檝e decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
And that鈥檚 why you clean your room, kids.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 馃槀
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
liiiiiiiiike
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I鈥檓 get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don鈥檛 like the prices , stop coming to my house
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.