“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
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[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.