ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
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The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
2023 was just a warmup
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”