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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.