When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
The cashier just checked me out.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Breaking news:
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.