Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
repaired
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.