Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Bit chilly again tonight.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m about to risk it all
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”