“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
i think both sides are to blame here
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.