just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD