Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
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I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on