My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I have never related to anyone more.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
August 8
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?