I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
satan: not today, microsoft teams
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!