I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling