The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”