“I’m helping” 😅
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.