I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Extremely relatable.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.