Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Sharon I have some bad news
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.