i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
man i love columbo
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke