I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Just so funny
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..