Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
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dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..