Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
You Might Also Like
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
my dad has had enough
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital