Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
#NoRestForTheWicked
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.