I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.