I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
She was REALLY feeling it.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]