A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”