*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
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Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Genius idea!!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead